A celebration of Robert Burns and his saucier work (May offend some!)

[Stuart]

As its Burns Night, I thought it would be nice to present some of his less well known work, especially the stuff that'll never be taught in schools. Although he's well known for things like "Tam o' Shanter", "To a Mouse"  and "A Man's a Man", there's a whole body of work that is, shall we say, a little bit saucy and might come as a surprise to some given the repeated use of a certain word. For example, there's this one:

Nae Hair On't

Yestreen I wed a lady fair,
And ye wad believe me,
On her cunt there grows nae hair,
That's the thing that grieves me.

It vexed me sair, it plagu'd me sair,
It put me in a passion,
To think that I had wad a wife,
Whase cunt was out o' fashion.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/arts/robertburns/works/nae_hair_ont/

(Clearly fashion has changed somewhat since the 18th Century)

Or this one:

Come Rede Me Dame


Come rede me dame, come tell me dame,
My dame come tell me truly,
What length o' graith when weel ca'd hame
Will sair a woman duly?"
The carlin clew her wanton tail,
Her wanton tail sae ready,
"l learn'd a sang in Annandale,
Nine inch will please a lady."

"But for a koontrie cunt like mine,
In sooth we're not sae gentle;
We'll tak tway thumb-bread to the nine,
And that is a sonsy pintle.
Oh, Leeze me on, my Charlie lad,
I'll ne'er forget my Charlie,
Tway roaring handfuls and a daud
He nidged it in fu' rarely."

But wear fa' the laithron doup
And may it ne'er be thriving,
It's not the length that makes me loup
But it's the double drivin.
Come nidge me Tom, come nidge me Tom
Come nidge me, o'er the nyvel
Come lowse an lug your battering ram
And thrash him at my gyvel!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/arts/robertburns/works/come_rede_me_dame/

Dare I post some more?

[AElf]

Not to put too fine a point on it but Robert Burns was a drunken, lazy, lecherous Lowlander who was illiterate in both English and Gaelic, and I have never understood my countrymen's feigned affection for the man or his scribblings.  To cast him as some sort of literary light is even worse.  To have voted him "the greatest Scot" doesn't say much about the rest of us.  But go ahead Stuart, quote some more from the wee sleekit beastie.  Lay on, MacDuff, and damned be him who first cries ‘Hold! enough!'

[Stuart]

Not to put too fine a point on it but Robert Burns was a drunken, lazy, lecherous Lowlander who was illiterate in both English and Gaelic,

True, but he did have some bad points as well.

Lay on, MacDuff, and damned be him who first cries ‘Hold! enough!'

That's Shakespeare. But this is Burns:

Duncan Macleerie


Duncan Macleerie and Janet his wife,
They gaed to Kilmarnock to buy a new knife;
But instead of a knife they coft but a bleerie;
We're very weel saird, quo' Duncan Macleerie.

Duncan Macleerie has got a new fiddle,
It's a' strung wi' hair, and a hole in the middle;
An' ay when he plays on't, his wife looks sae cheary,
Very weel done, Duncan, quo' Janet Macleerie.

Duncan he play'd till his bow it grew greasy;
Janet grew fretfu', and unco uneasy.
Hoot, quo' she, Duncan, ye're unco soon weary;
Play us a pibroch, quo' Janet Macleerie.

Duncan Macleerie play'd on the harp,
An' Janet Macleerie danc'd in her sark;
Her sark it was short, her cunt it was hairy,
Very weel danc'd, Janet, quo' Duncan Macleerie.

[Infinity Biscuit]

Sorry to intrude when I have no idea about the person in question, but if he's seen as illiterate in English and Gaelic and with what I've read, isn't it more that he writes in either Scots or Scots-influenced English?

[AElf]

Well, there is a problem with that, a problem of ethnic authenticity.  Scots, whether Broad Scots or Standard Scottish English is, depending to whom you speak, is either a language or a dialect.  If it is a language it is a derivative of Proto-Germanic, related to but separate from English.  If it is a dialect it is a local form of English and, if that is the case, then it is an historical fact that English was the language of Parliament in Scotland long before it became the language of Parliament in England.  Funny, that.

Whether it is a language or a dialect it is not Scottish per se, but an import . . . an inheritance from Angles and Saxons raiding and raping their way around the Scottish Lowlands, impregnating the lassies with wee red-headed bairns and a non-Gaelic means of oral intercourse.

 

[Delta]

impregnating the lassies with wee red-headed bairns and a non-Gaelic means of oral intercourse.

Oral -> Child? Must have been some potent anatomy there...

[AElf]

impregnating the lassies with wee red-headed bairns and a non-Gaelic means of oral intercourse.

Oral -> Child? Must have been some potent anatomy there...

Language, Delta, language . . . intercourse need not be sexual, despite the great power of the ancient Germanic tongue. 

Or a different sort of intercourse . . . try to imagine yourself at a formal dinner of five courses -- soup, baked sole, stuffed quail and roast venison with Linzer torte for dessert.  In between the fish and fowl courses you are offered a tiny serving of shrimp.  There, you've just had intercourse with a shrimp.  Guten Appetit! 

[Stuart]

Or a different sort of intercourse . . . try to imagine yourself at a formal dinner of five courses -- soup, baked sole, stuffed quail and roast venison with Linzer torte for dessert.  In between the fish and fowl courses you are offered a tiny serving of shrimp.  There, you've just had intercourse with a shrimp.  Guten Appetit!

That seems an awfully complicated way to have intercourse with shrimp. Surely just using a bag of them between two pillows would be easier?

[Delta]

I assume we are talking about a different kind of impregnation as well.

[AElf]

Or a different sort of intercourse . . . try to imagine yourself at a formal dinner of five courses -- soup, baked sole, stuffed quail and roast venison with Linzer torte for dessert.  In between the fish and fowl courses you are offered a tiny serving of shrimp.  There, you've just had intercourse with a shrimp.  Guten Appetit!

That seems an awfully complicated way to have intercourse with shrimp. Surely just using a bag of them between two pillows would be easier?

Do you prefer them frozen or do you microwave them up to body temperature first?  And is this something of a substitute for sheep now that you're away from Scotland?

[AElf]

I assume we are talking about a different kind of impregnation as well.

No, I'm pretty sure that both acts involve seamen.   

[Stuart]

Or a different sort of intercourse . . . try to imagine yourself at a formal dinner of five courses -- soup, baked sole, stuffed quail and roast venison with Linzer torte for dessert.  In between the fish and fowl courses you are offered a tiny serving of shrimp.  There, you've just had intercourse with a shrimp.  Guten Appetit!

That seems an awfully complicated way to have intercourse with shrimp. Surely just using a bag of them between two pillows would be easier?

Do you prefer them frozen or do you microwave them up to body temperature first?  And is this something of a substitute for sheep now that you're away from Scotland?

Microwaved of course, but you have to shake the bag half way through microwaving them to avoid hot spots. ALthough fresh is even better.

Sheep? I'm not Welsh, I'm Scottish. We like our farmyard ladies to be big and hairy:

[ToneBender]

There's a statue of Burns in Halifax.

Now I see why ;)

[AElf]

And now for some Burns literary criticism.

There is an old joke about Burns' poetry and having to use the word Timbuktoo in rhyme.  The joke is illustrative of Burns' style and content but has no pretensions of historical accuracy because it makes The Bard and the Bard of Ayrshire contemporaries.  Also, it  involves a poetry contest either at the gates of Heaven (which could not be correct because Burns would not have met the admissions criteria) or in a pub (which also could not be because Burns would likely have been unable to compose poetry while being mortal fu).  I've heard three versions and none of them pass muster.

As Tim and I a-walking went, we saw three damsels by a tent,
as they were three and we were two, I bucked one and Tim bucked two!

As Tim and I a-hiking we went, we spied three maidens in a tent
As they were three and we but two, I bucked one and Timbuktoo.

As Tim and I strolled through the glades, we came upon three Hieland maids
As they were three and we but two, I bucked one and Timbuktoo.

Burns would likely never have referred to young Scottish women as damsels, maidens or maids . . . surely they would have been lassies or lasses.  It is also unlikely he would described his means of locomotion as walking, hiking or strolling when he could be gang or daunderin. So I thought that I should try to authenticize the verse somewhat.

As Tim and I gang o'er the passes, we happed upon three Hielan' lasses
there was no drink or else to do, so I bucked one while Timbuktoo.

[mikeisnude]

[/quote]

Do you prefer them frozen or do you microwave them up to body temperature first?  And is this something of a substitute for sheep now that you're away from Scotland?
[/quote]

   I been reading this thread you guys are hilarious